by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
