You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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