If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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