hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
