I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
