I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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