I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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