apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
