Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
