turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
