before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
