brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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