Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
