i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
