Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
sex in a hospital.. check
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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