the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
