Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
