This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
