Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Randomize
