I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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