Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
