Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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