just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
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The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
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And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
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