I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
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WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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