we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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