I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
