Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
