Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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