my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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