don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
