Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
