new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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