Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
