Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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