the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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