Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
