I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
