She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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