I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
