God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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