shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
