i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
