Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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