Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
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mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
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Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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