how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
