just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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