i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
