My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
