My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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