i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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