Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
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