he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
