dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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