I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
