I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
