I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I think I died a long time ago.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
