Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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