I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
