I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize