her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
